Ask More Than Tell
to Take Your Team to the Top!
by Brian D. Biro

Great coaches are master askers! This may seem to go against the grain of our typical view of coaches as strong-minded dictators with all the answers. But here is a truly liberating truth: The quality of our teams will be determined by the quality of the questions we ask one another. Leaders and coaches who ask more than tell create leaders rather than followers.

When we ask questions, we spark thought and stimulate discovery. We help others think for themselves. Over time, those we coach develop far greater insight and understanding that allows their vision to expand. By asking more than telling, we also breathe faith into others hearts, which helps them take responsibility for their decisions and actions.

This doesn’t mean there aren’t times to give answers. It simply means that as a coach you want to help others become self-starters who think for themselves. A simple strategy for getting started on the path toward becoming a master asker is to discipline yourself to respond first with a question when people come to you for advice and answers. Instead of stepping forward right away to tackle their problems for them, first ask, What do you think would be the best way to handle this? Instantly you’ve let them know you truly value their ideas, and you’ve given them the chance to help themselves. Though initially they may feel somewhat uncomfortable or even disappointed that you didn’t give them an answer, over time, the growing sense of personal responsibility you will foster with this strategy will help them strengthen their spirits, solution-orientation, and confidence.

When you ask for a response from someone, it is critical that you really listen. The secret is to listen for their answers, not yours. How many times do we ask questions trying to squeeze out the answer we want? By opening yourself to really listen, you have a much greater chance to learn. When you ask others for their ideas, be eager to hear approaches and viewpoints that had never occurred to you before. And welcome those fresh perspectives with genuine enthusiasm, because they have the greatest potential to create positive change in your life.

I received a real wake-up call about the power of asking more than telling when I took an honest look at my effectiveness as a coach of coaches.

Following my graduation from Stanford University, I had become a United States Swimming coach and built a small novice team into one of the largest privately owned swimming programs in the country. Our swimmers had achieved all kinds of outstanding results, finishing in the top three at the Junior Nationals, top ten at the Senior Nationals, with several of our kids qualifying for the Olympic trials. Probably most exciting, over forty of the young people I’d had the honor to coach earned college scholarships.

When I left coaching to pursue my master’s degree, I felt great satisfaction about the accomplishments we had earned during the eight years of my tenure. But then I asked myself a question that really shook me up: If I had been such a good coach, what happened to my assistant coaches when I left? Ouch! Sometimes the truth can leave some major teeth marks on your ego!

You see, more than a year after I left coaching, most of my assistant coaches were floundering. All of them were talented, bright, and caring people. Yet when I had moved on, they’d become stuck. They hadn’t quite known what to do. That is, except for one of my assistants who had continued to grow and improve and was flourishing in his chosen field of education. And, incidentally, when he’d first come to work for me, he’d been the least likely candidate to be a good swimming coach! He’d known virtually nothing about competitive swimming. He had been a baseball player who had never been on a swim team in his life.

Why did this one individual excel while all the others struggled? The more I thought about this question, the clearer the answer became. Jay was the one coach I had asked more than told!

With the other assistants, I had called all the shots. I’d told them exactly what to do and in what order. I’d treated them more like coaching robots than thinking, developing human beings. I hadn’t even allowed them to make mistakes because I’d cover for them. I’d never asked them about strategies or their ideas on how to deal with challenges. As a result, I’d never given them the chance to think creatively or to grow into their potential.

But with Jay I had been a different kind of coach. Though he’d known little about swimming technique originally, his special gift for making the sport fun for children had been apparent from the beginning. The kids always loved him and couldn’t wait to come to swim practice. This had filled me with great faith in Jay, and I’d found it increasingly natural to ask instead of tell. If he came to me with a question about how to handle a particular situation, I wouldn’t answer. Instead I’d ask, What do you think would work best? I’d held strategy sessions with him where I’d ask for his ideas about how best to develop the team. I’d also asked Jay in more subtle yet equally empowering ways by not showing up at the meets and practices at which he was coaching. By giving him the ball without looking over his shoulder, I’d let him know that my belief in him was strong. When I left, he didn’t miss a beat.

Jay would have been the first to tell you that when he started coaching, he was a Kellogg’s corn flake! But the power of asking more than telling is transformative. Today he is one of the most outstanding professionals in his field. He is a mentor teacher who coaches other teachers in working with disabled children.

What’s more, by asking more than telling, I had gained every bit as much as Jay. I learned ideas, perspectives, and skills from him I use every single day as a father and a speaker that make immeasurable differences for those I love. Asking is a win-win game!

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© 2001-2007 - Brian D. Biro
Leadership Article